If you've ever bought a diamond in your life, you are a chump. If you ever buy a diamond after reading this, you are an idiot. Any mindless bachelor who's willing to trade $10,000 for a small rock that he's gonna give away to a future ex-wife deserves a lifetime of debt and ridicule.

Why? There is an alternative to diamonds, which kicks diamond's ass at pretty much everything except hardness. It's called Moissanite, and it looks so similar to diamond, even jewelers can't tell the difference just by looking at it. Moissanite is clearer than diamonds, shinier than diamonds (we all know how mesmerized you chimps get when you see shiny objects) and, since it's made in labs instead of nature, it has fewer flaws than even the best diamonds. Despite being superior to diamonds in every way, it costs about 1/10 as much as diamonds.

Everyone knows how expensive diamonds are and they all think it's because they're rare. Not many people know this, but diamonds actually are pretty common in South Africa. De Beers just doesn't sell many of them because they want to keep you convinced that diamonds are rare and valuable (they're not). On top of that, when you buy a diamond, you're supporting terrorist organizations in Africa, who mine diamonds using slave labor to finance the genocide or coup d'etat of the week. These are the same terrorist organizations that force kids as young as 10 to fight for them. But you don't care about any of that because you want to wear a rock on your finger. Moissanite is made in labs, by scientists who get paid for their efforts. If you buy a Moissanite stone, you can sleep at night, knowing that none of the money you spent on it is going to terrorists.

If you have a diamond on you, take a look at it. Was it worth the thousands of dollars that De Beers told you it's worth? Was it worth forcing a slave into a mine so a guerrilla group can buy an assault rifle, which will be used to force more slaves into the mine? Was it worth all that knowing there's a better, morally sound alternative for a fraction of the cost? Not so pretty now, is it?